Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales EW review.Five films in, Pirates still leaves you feeling a lot like the Magic Kingdom ride its so famously inspired by alternately thrilled, exhausted, and seriously regretting that last funnel cake.Johnny Depp returns as the perpetually sozzled Jack Sparrow, heroically holding cirrhosis at bay with a gold toothed grin and a wobbly swagger Geoffrey Rush is back, too, as his high seas frenemy, the squirrely, grasping Captain Barbossa.And with the series original young lovers Will Orlando Bloom and Elizabeth Keira Knightley sidelined by an immortal curse, no less come two dewy new substitutes Henry The Giver star Brenton Thwaites as the really ridiculously good looking fruit of Will and Elizabeths union, and Carina Kaya Scodelario of the Maze Runner films, as the kind of plucky, headstrong proto feminist whose proud familiarity with geometry and astronomy promptly gets her labeled as a witch.Halloween 2 The Pirates Curse Setup New Email' title='Halloween 2 The Pirates Curse Setup New Email' />Get the latest news on celebrity scandals, engagements, and divorces Check out our breaking stories on Hollywoods hottest starsCan these two crazy kids unite to find the Trident of Poseidon, the key to all the oceans powers Will zombie Captain Armando Salazar Javier Bardem and his legion of putrifying crewmen beat them to the chase Can Depp maybe just lay down under that palm tree for a minute and take a nice nap Well, not yet.Because, first, he needs to rob a bank literally, the whole bank, dragged through the streets of St.Are you in Sign up for the For The Win daily email newsletter for the top stories every day.Yes Send me the For The Win Daily Newsletter.Maarten like tin cans on the back of a wedding Cadillac followed by a whole bunch of business about finding a seaworthy crew and forming a wary friendship or at least a mutually beneficial stalemate with Will and Carina.Then together, they must fend off the homicidal and highly motivated score settling of Salazar Co., whose aquatic rot the special effects team brings to remarkable un life dark coils of hair sway and undulate like seaweed skin dissolves into bone and cartilage and air.Though their vocal cords seem to work just fine dead men do, in fact, tell many, many tales.Unlike their human counterparts, a cursed legion of murderous sharks seem oblivious to their own decomposition half decayed jaws snapping, corroded tails whipping as they hunt for sweet, sea salt tenderized man meat.If only half that gorgeously detailed attention had gone toward the script Instead, what we get is the usual mash of swashbuckling nonsense and soggy mythology There will be romance, and revelations, and some silly gold plated cameos hello there, Sir Paul Mc.Cartney And whoops, goodbye.Through it all, Norwegian duo Joachim Rnning and Espen Sandberg the Oscar nominated Kon Tiki feel less like directors than shepherds, carefully coloring inside the lines mapped out for them so thoroughly by a 4 billion dollars and counting franchise.Recent reports say the cliffhanger ending is merely a setup for a sixth and final outing, which depends on any number of box office contingencies but mostly, of course, on whether Depp and Disney are able, or more likely willing, to make one last sunset sail.Why Your Team Sucks 2.Green Bay Packers.Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers.But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers.This 2.Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.Read all the previews so far here.Your team Green Bay Packers.Your 2.Yep, you wasted another year of Aaron Rodgerss prime.You are Atlanta Braves ing him.Suck it.How do you have Aaron Rodgers and fall behind 3.NFC title game.Your coach Mike Mc.Carthy. Device Ip Configuration Wizard Apc Downloads . Thats how.Hes still here, and Dom Capers is still the defensive coordinator.Until the day you people die and its coming soon Ive seen the way you eat, you will be stuck with Beav calling isolation plays with his 1.Capers orchestrating a defense that only looks good against any offense that cant play offense.I cant believe you got beaten senseless by the Skins.Your quarterback Aaron Rodgers.How come you never call you mother anymore, Aaron Every year, the Packers go through a rough patch last years example being a four game skid and a 4 6 start and you can rest assured thats enough to cause every last idiot Packers fan to lose their shit and wonder if its the end of an era.Go here if you dont believe me.Theyll probably still blame every Rodgers slump this year on Olivia Munn even though those two arent fucking each other anymore.Whats new that sucks LOL who are you kiddingIts the Packers.They do nothing.Ted Thompson spends the entire offseason napping in a barcalounger.True, they brought in Martellus Bennett to replace Jared Cook, and they grabbed Jahri Evans to help make up for the loss of T.J.Lang, and they cut Eddie Lacy for being the weight of your average season ticket holder, but come on.Everything the Packers do is to ensure model consistency, so that Rodgers will spend another season running for his life before the team ultimately shits down its own throat in the playoffs.They cant keep anyone healthy.Half the team will spend all winter in that sideline medic igloo.The only receiver who doesnt go through Pleistocene length cold stretches is Jordy Nelson and hes a fragile little white man with hair like a seal pelt.For real, Im shocked Jordy hasnt been clubbed by a hunter and mounted on the wall of a Rhinelander log cabin.Their best running back is a converted wideout and their second best running back is an actual wideout.Theyll both get hurt and Mc.Carthy will still try to establish the run 2.The cornerbacks are abominable.Clay Matthews still has a tiny face and I hate him.YOURE NOT THOR, BUDDY.What has always sucked This is the part where, as ethics require, I must disclose that I am a Vikings fan or Vi.Queens, as Green Bay fans so cleverly put it, and that the Packers DISGUST me with their never ending, small town, Thornton Wilder horseshit.Look at these assholes These are the dumbest fans in the NFL.Its not close.Ask any other fan of any other team who the stupidest fans theyve ever encountered are, and they will tell you Green Bay.Every fan is a 3.This is the only franchise where fans have more brain damage than the former players.If youre unfortunate enough to be stuck near a Packers fan, you will be subjected to hours of cheese breath and contradicting takes about players they arent even aware are no longer on the roster.Any time the Packers win by fewer than 2.I guarantee you that Rodgers hates every waking second he has to be in Green Bay.Who wouldnt Apart from the Packers, the most exciting thing that happens in Green Bay is when the local Chilis offers a new drink special.The fans are dumber than styrofoam and the media is even worse This is your model NFL team.This is every last FOOTBALL IS FAMILY lie tucked into one fanbase and handed a stack of forged ownership certificates.This is the Notre Dame of the NFL.Every time Rodgers completes some bullshit Hail Mary goddammit, opposing teams, bat the ball down, every Packers fans may as well cry out WAKE UP THE ECHOES and jerk off into their mittens.These people think theyre magic.They think theyre SPECIAL.They think they deserve all these great quarterbacks and neat football action that theyve been arbitrarily handed by a Blind God.They think theyre the American idyll.They are not.Theyre humps.Frauds.Narcissists.SHITBAGS.They are emblematic of a very specific kind of American reverse dysmorphic disorder, where you look in the mirror and see some All American stud instead of the sad, worthless asshole you really are.Id rather cut myself than live like a Packers fan, sitting around my whole life waiting for some podunk team to do something exciting so that I can leech off their success because I myself can barely move.GO TO HELL.Im not bitter.Im not bitter at all.WHY DIDNT ANYONE TACKLE ANTONIO FREEMAN WHEN HE GOT UP Did you know Ty Montgomery started out as a wideout before the team discovered running back was his natural position.Get ready to hear that 4,0.What might not suck Nothing.Fuck you.And fuck Paul Ryan with a tree.HEAR IT FROM PACKERS FANS Nic You can straight up see in Rodgers expression how sad he is to be playing for skinny Andy Reid.Stephen WHY THE FUCK IS DOM CAPERS STILL HERE Andrew Wisconsin is the Arkansas of the Midwest, and Green Bay is its Hot Springs.Karl Our defense made Blake Bortles look like a good quarterback.Landon Mike Mc.Carthy and the Packers fan base effectively fat shamed Eddie Lacy out of Wisconsin, and that is ironic for all of the obvious reasons.Matt Their yearly rash of injuries to important players seems to stem from the fact that their training staff confuses hamstrings with ham sandwiches.Molly I now head into the playoffs wondering what new, unique way my soul will be crushed in the NFC Divisional or Championship game.Nate The Packers suck because month old tuna fish sandwiches left out to sop in a puddle of excrement are infinitely more fresh than whatever Dom Capers has cookin up, and we all know it.Aaron I cant decide if I want to write a screed against the entitled part of the fanbase that whines incessantly about not winning a championship every year, or if I want to rail against the team for seeming content to be the third best team in the NFC every year.Jesse Dom Capers.David A regular jar of capers could coach better than Dom Capers.Justin Capers has a lower approval rating among Packer fans than Trump at a Black Lives Matter rally held in Mexico.Grant I texted a couple of friends at 2 5.Sunday of the NFC title game saying Ive never felt more confident in a Packers playoff win.The game started at 3 0.The game was over by 4 0.NSP Every Packers season features about 8 life altering plays courtesy of Aaron Rodgers and a continual sense of dread on how theyre going to piss away yet another year of his prime without another Super Bowl appearance.Zach At some point this quarterback streak is going to end and it will be all if onlys and what ifs as we inevitably go back to 8.Packer incompetence.Elijah Any Packers fan under the age of 3.At least half of these best fans in the league will bail just as soon as Aaron Rodgers leaves.Fuck Brandon Bostick.Rick Packers playoff losses just leave me dead inside.I dont even get angry.Download Sea Life Safari Game '>Download Sea Life Safari Game .I move so quickly behind the white hot rage of the cavalcade of failure that I just turn off my television and stare at the black mirror until someone tells me the game is over, at which point I sulk so badly for the rest of the night my toddler thinks Im being dramatic.Im from Boise, Idaho.I have never been to Wisconsin.Im fairly certain that living far away from Wisconsin and never having been there places me in the vast majority of Packers fans.Ty The Dom Capers Defense consists of letting the other team score 3.Aaron Rodgers performs literal miracles on the football field to tie the game up at the two minute warning.Katie Aaron Rodgers will die with one Super Bowl ring.Mike Mc.
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